Ask A Busy Person—Said No Busy Person, Ever

There’s an adage that goes something like “If you need something done, ask a busy person”. The theory is that busy people are organized, achievement focused, and diligent. Therefore they are more likely to accomplish whatever is asked of them.

In my experience, it’s true. But it may also be disrespectful of your go-to busy person.

1. It presumes that whatever it is you need is more important than their many tasks. That efficient and effective person is going have to reorganize their schedule and reprioritize tasks to fit your work in.

2. This seemingly insignificant ask frees you up, but ties them down. Tasks almost always take longer than you think.

3. Some busy people are not busy because they want to be, but because they must be. As someone who worked two full-time jobs for more than a decade, I assure you I wouldn’t have if it wasn’t necessary to take care of my family.

4. Along the same lines as above, staying busy is sometimes a trauma response, one of those maladaptive coping mechanisms that helps one to avoid thinking too much and getting caught up in a hurricane of uncomfortable thoughts.

5. The inability to say no even when you should may also be a trauma response. Sometimes called the fawn response, it’s a way to avoid conflict, abuse, or trauma by keeping everyone happy.

   The next time you’re tempted to ask a busy person to get one more thing done, this time for you, pause and remember that helping you may be hurting them. Instead, buy them a cup of coffee or a milkshake and fries and ask if you can be of assistance.

Finding Music in Unusual Places

I'm not quite sure when it happened, but I stopped listening to the radio.

It probably happened when I stopped driving every day, which was really the only time I listened. But I distinctly remember a day of running errands when I noticed the same song playing when I went into the store as when I came back out. I love music, but it became obvious that radio stations were playing the same songs over and over.

My partner and I recently compared what we had on our phones. She’d never heard of most of the songs on mine. How was I choosing what to buy with my iTunes gift cards?

I hadn’t been paying attention. After looking at my list and giving it some thought, it became obvious: I bought music I heard in TV shows, commercials, and movies. It isn’t always easy to figure out the names of those songs or the artist, especially since only small segments of the song are usually played. The internet to the rescue!

Thanks to google and YouTube, nearly every song can be found eventually, but there is a bit of trial and error. Sometimes I find the song by looking at the music list for an episode of a TV show or googling a specific commercial. As long as I know the year the commercial aired, this works pretty well.

When I have only a line or two from the song, I have to listen to snippet after snippet on iTunes to find the one I want. I’ll give you an example. I heard a bit of a song on a video in YouTube. The only word I could remember when it came time to search for the song was “pray”.  iTunes has pages of artists who have recorded songs called Pray--and I wasn’t even sure this was the main word!   So, trial and error began as I listened to snippets of every song. I finally found it on a soundtrack from a movie I never saw. Sadly, this doesn’t work if the snippet is not the same as the one I heard and liked.

Another problem is it’s not always clear which versions of a song I want. For instance, do I want Toxic by Brittany Spears or the cast of Glee? I sometimes make mistakes.  It turns out I wanted the Glee version but bought Brittany because Glee didn’t come up on my first search.

Of course, it is also a lovely way to procrastinate. I can justify it as work related:  “It will go on my book’s playlist”. 

 Examples from commercials: 

• Under the Milky way by Sia

• Glitter and Gold by Barns Courtney

From TV shows:

• An Honest Man by Fantastic Negrito (Hand of God)

• In the Shadows by Amy Stroup (Lucifer)

• Multiple songs from Shadowhunters, WWE pay per views, Supernatural…

  From Movies:

• Pray from Fifty Shades Darker soundtrack

• Everybody Knows from Suicide squad soundtrack

While I don’t have a lot of Top-10 songs, my phone has a great variety of music I love. What to hear some of them? Check them out on one of my Youtube playlists.

Time Lost, Time Found

This blog post does not address the grief many of us experienced as our family and friends were lost to the ravages of COVID-19. It is not my intention to minimize our profound losses, but to offer perspective on time. My heart is with all of you.

TREVANN

It seems nearly every week for the last few months I’ve heard someone lament about life since the start of the pandemic. I can’t blame them. I’ve lamented too. The last year and a half has been surreal at best and at worst, lost time. Here are the Top Three Laments.

• The COVID 15. Or as I call it the pandemic 20. There are probably a few reason for this community-wide weight gain. More people than ever were baking for the first time or honing their baking skills. We were also stress eating—this was stress unlike anything we’d experienced before.

• The vicious cycle of anxiety-produced hyper-vigilance. We worry, wash hands continually, wipe down groceries, collect sanitizer and masks, and read too many articles about the virus.

• Guilt we didn’t accomplish more. Many of us overachievers/compulsive workaholics have given serious thought to what we could achieve given a year of excess free time. And then, given the time, we didn’t do it.

• De-conditioning. Active jobs became remote and sedentary. To add insult to injury we had no access to pools, gyms, and competitive sports.

As the world reopens (for better or worse), and people begin to go more places and do more things, the weight of grief for the Lost Year and a Half is dissipating. But it isn’t good enough to forget why and how hard we grieved. We have to embrace it and find the lessons learned.

A pocket watch in the sand at sunrise. Or sunset.

For instance, reframe the noise in your head that says you didn’t accomplish anything. If you give it thought I am quite sure you’ll figure out something you accomplished. We learned to bake,didn’t we? We taught ourselves computer skills we didn’t previously have. We cooked at home moreRemember we spent a lot of intensive time with our families and closest friends. First of all, if your family and friends are anything like mine, that is an accomplishment. But we also created new memories. Learned something new about the people we love. Treated each other with extra special care. 

Many of us kept the world turning. We did our part to keep the supply chain moving—the truck drivers, the grocery store workers, the delivery folks. We taught our children. We took care of the sick and cared for the elderly. 

Our lives were boiled down to the most important people, places, and things. Nothing had been lost. We found time.

Four things You Can Do To Stop Worrying.

It will come as no surprise to many of you that I am a worrier. I worry about my family and world peace. I worry about my reputation and my professional success. I worry about my health (a terrible predicament for a near-hypochondriac). I worry about global warming, COVID-19, and job security. 

I try very hard to NOT worry, but it’s complicated. Worthwhile ventures often are, but you can learn from my trial and error. Here are four things you can do instead of worrying.

1. Do something creative.

Science tells us that creative action lowers cortisol, the stress hormone. When cortisol is reduced, we feel more relaxed and gain a greater sense of perspective. It also increases dopamine, the “happy hormone.” Increased dopamine, in turn, can make you more creative. Consequently, it’s difficult to worry and engage in something creative. The really great thing is it doesn’t matter what creative endeavor you pursue. I write. I also crochet, scrapbook, and dabble in graphic design.

2. Listen to music.

Particularly music you love. Research tells us that when we listen to music that moves us, the “happy hormone,” dopamine increases. A lot of music moves me so much it makes me cry tears of the joyous and melancholy variety. I’m pretty eclectic in my tastes. While Prince is my number one musical favorite, I listen to Florida Georgia Line, Justin Bieber (Don’t hate. He has a fantastic voice.), Nine Inch Nails, and Rachmaninoff. 

3. Eat Chocolate.

Both dark chocolate and milk chocolate have been shown to reduce stress. Dark chocolate, however, is the king of stress relief. It has been shown to reduce cortisol (the stress hormone), and it contains magnesium (known to reduce symptoms of depression). The benefits don’t stop there. Dark chocolate contains flavonoids, which have been shown to improve cardiovascular functioning. You’d gain extra advantages if you eat your chocolate slowly and mindfully. It’s something called Chocolate Meditation.

Chocolate, not your thing? Try a cup of chamomile tea (those flavonoids again) or green tea (contains theanine, which may increase serotonin and dopamine). Learn more about these food items and more here.

4. Breathe.

There are so many sources online that support the use of breathing exercises to reduce stress. During a recent, persistent episode of worrying, one of my favorite medical people reminded me that deep breathing triggers the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting calmness. He instructed me to take five deep breaths. It worked like magic. I immediately felt calmer. Dr. Andrew Weil has a lot to say on the subject and offers these exercises.

I think worrying is a part of my basic personality and, as such, it’s difficult to stop. I’m not even sure I’d want to since worrying has occasionally saved me from making big mistakes. But sometimes, I worry about things I have zero control over. It’s in these times I use this list.

Let me know if you try any of them. Also, if something not on the list works for you, please do share.

Poison Ivy

If I haven’t already mentioned, my philosophy about all things green or flowering is “grow if you want to.” Sometimes it works in my favor. For instance, I once bought a discounted plant. It was priced at 75cents because the few remaining leaves were brown and scraggly. You couldn’t even tell what it was supposed to be. It was clearly dying. I felt like it needed a home. At least its final days would be happy. That was five years ago. It’s now a thriving philodendron.

Of course, sometimes my philosophy fails me, and a plant takes advantage of my kind disposition. Like poison ivy. I suppose I should call it MY poison ivy as it’s taken up residence in three places in my yard. If it had been content to stay in one area, it could make itself comfortable. But it decided to push the envelope.

Now, this plant has me hostage. I can’t kill it. There’s nothing I know of that will destroy this menace that won’t also kill everything else—in direct opposition to how my garden grows. What to do?

I have no choice but to suit up in long sleeves, gloves, a face mask, and long pants and try to extract it with my bare hands. Wish me luck. If, by chance, you have a better idea, please share.

A Quest for Organization

Time is slowly creeping toward the end of summer. Unlike most people I know, September marks the beginning of a new year for me. I suppose it is ingrained in me from my youth, or habit from my kid’s schedule, or even from the years of working in organizations in sync with the academic year. Time to shop for a system that holds the key to organizational Nirvana.

Sadly, I have decision fatigue. It happens every year—There are just too many choices. Do I want a classic calendar or a planner? Digital or paper? What are the must-have features?

I typically like a funky way to track my personal goals. Lately I’ve been into this honeycomb design. I also need a great amount of space for my professional tasks, as I tend to have many every week. Some bullet journal space is nice, too, as these make for good, functional to- do lists.

Determining layout includes another set of decisions. Portrait or landscape? Weekly, monthly, daily, or some combination? Twelve months, or fifteen, or eighteen? And what size? That’s particularly critical for non-digital systems.

The absolute hardest decisions, however, are about the design. I like too many pretty, peaceful things?Beaches or lighthouses? Pink or multiple pastel? Or maybe flowers? This alone accounts for my purchase of at least two systems. I won’t admit to you how many I bought last year.

What about you? What system do you use?

I Am Not the Alpha.

My dogs are a little insane. Rescue dogs, they have terrible separation anxiety. If we go outside in the yard without taking them with us, they cry. Toby is afraid of lightening and thunder but also runs at the sound of a bag hitting the floor. Even in very warm weather, he prefers to sleep under blankets. And you can see how he is leaning from the top of the sofa to eat, despite the fact that there was plenty of room next to his bowl. And oh yeah, he won’t eat on the floor.

Molly will eat anything, anyway. She too is afraid of thunder and lightening, but even on a quiet day she stretches on the floor with her head under something. Always. Under. Something. She also manages to twist her body in crazy ways.

Crazy as they are, they are as lovable. They love to cuddle, seem to know when one of us isn’t feeling well, and are happy to come when called. I’m pretty sure they love me…but they love my partner more.

When they hurt or are scared, she is the one they cling to. I mean cling. Molly will walk so close to her, that Molly’s nose touches the back of her knee. Toby sleeps against her back, an unmovable object. I’m the second choice.

For instance, the other night it was raining pretty hard. Actually, it had been raining for several days, with intermittent thunder. My partner was in the basement organizing something. Trembling like a bridge in an earthquake, Toby sat on my lap staring at the basement door. Molly was laying on my feet. They both clearly knew they could find safety with me, but the second my partner came up the stairs, they leaped toward her.

She is also the Alpha. Okay, fine, I’m the Beta. When Molly, my constant eater, gets a hold of something she really shouldn’t have, I cannot get her to put it down. She’d rather swallow whatever it is whole before giving in to me. But a stern word from my partner and boom, she drops it and she’s off sulking and missing the leaf of kale she’d rescued from the floor or whatever it was.

It’s fine. As much as we both love them, she’s their primary caretaker. I wish I could be, but the unfortunate truth is I’m either working out of the house or slaving on the computer in my office. But they follow her around all day.

Okay, yes, I’m a little jealous.

But I’m working on it. I get plenty of kisses and snuggles. What more could I ask for?

Duck, Duck....Cow?

My partner and I headed out today to pick up our CSA share—Community Supported Agriculture. This means a couple of times a year we invest in a local farm, which in turn provides us with vegetables and fruit during the summer and fall. The official temperature was 88 degrees Fahrenheit, which is hot enough. The heat index, however, was a whopping 97. It was brutal but we carried on.

By the time we lugged our bounty to the car and went back into the farm market for some eggs and a few other staples, we were hot, bleary-eyed, and our pulses were elevated from the heat Fortunately, once in the car, it didn’t take too long to cool off.

We took the scenic way home, meaning we drove a number of random streets that we hoped would get us to our destination. We do this a lot. Finding new streets and landing in strange places is fun for us. Today’s journey took us by a pond. It captured our attention because it was right in the middle of a residential neighborhood. Driving by, our conversation went something like this:

Me: “Wow!” I point at the pond. “Cows are in the water!”

Her: Looking at me with a puzzled expression. “Those are mallards. They’re beautiful.”

Me: “Mallards? No, those were cows.” Getting concerned. “You didn’t see the cows?”

Her. “There were no cows.”

So, I turn the car around and drive by again.

Me: “See? Cows.”

Her: “I know my eyes are bad, but those are not cows. They’re ducks. Mallards.”

Me: “If those are ducks, I’m driving straight to the hospital.” I thought the heat had gotten to me and my brain was misfiring.

I turn the car around again. This time, I put on my hazard lights and drive extremely slow.

“Cows!” I point.

“Mallards!” She points.

We realize we’re pointing in different directions. Close to the road, under a tangle of tree branches, are a herd of black cows, just moseying around in the water. Across the pond under a different group of low-hanging trees is the biggest raft of ducks I’ve ever seen.

We looked at each other, eyes wide, and exploded into laughter. We were both right, but we’d been so focused on where our sight first landed that it never occurred to us to LOOK SOMEWHERE ELSE IN THE POND.

There has to be a moral to the story, right? But which one:

• You miss out on big and small things when you don’t pay full attention?

• Don’t sightsee while driving?

• Be open to possibilities?

• Heat exhaustion is real?

Oh, well. At least no trip to the ER was necessary. Has anything like this ever happened to you?

Keep Your Cool

I strive to post new blogs each Tuesday, but I didn’t have it in me yesterday. With the heat index, it was 105 humid degrees in Connecticut. It was all I could do to move. There are many other places around the country that are in far worse shape. For example, Oregon reached around 115 degrees Fahrenheit.

The extreme heat advisory is in effect through at least tonight at 10PM. It’s currently a functional 103. Although we don’t have central air, I’m fortunate to be in the position to have high capacity portable AC in the major areas of my home. But my air conditioners are struggling to keep up.

Prolonged exposure to extreme heat is dangerous. It can lead to a condition called hyperthermia, which can cause confusion, nausea, vomiting, profuse sweating, cramps, heat exhaustion, and heat stroke. Take a look at the CDC’s recommendations at the link below. You’ll find an informative infographic that includes a list of symptoms and actions you should take.

https://www.cdc.gov/disasters/extremeheat/warning.html

If you, or someone you know is suffering in the heat, you may not realize that relief is available in the form of cooling centers. A cooling center is a site with adequate air conditioning for people who are at risk of heat-related illness because, for whatever reason, a cool and safe environment is not available them. During the day, you can go to a center and read or work on your laptop, chat with others, etc. while you avoid the potential effects of the heat.

These centers are located in cities and towns all over the country, usually on public transportation routes and operated by municipalities and nonprofit organizations.

There is no cost to take advantage of this life-saving service. One way to find locations and other details about cooling centers in your community is through the 211 network. https://www.211.org

Of course, many of us love sunny warm days and no one is suggesting that you can’t enjoy them. But you have to be smart. At this very moment I’m sitting in my air conditioned living room with two ice packs (one on my head), a tall thermos of ice water, and an ice pop in the freezer with my name on it. Anything I need to do outdoors can wait until the temperature decreases later tonight. Why not do the same?

Stay hydrated, stay vigilant, and stay cool.

Five Things Every Writer Needs

Woman at a table writing in a book with a cup of tea at her side.

A ritual is a combination of symbols, actions, words, and gestures. Rituals can be spiritual, religious, or ceremonial. We also engage in rituals because of their consistency and continuity. For this reason, rituals offer a sense of calm and familiarity.

Many of us are writers. Some are published authors; some are on their way. Some people write stories for their own amusement; others journal for their sanity. Still others write for work. Over the course of my life I’ve fallen into each one of these categories. No matter the type of writing or why one writes, there seems to be ritual involved.

There are five things it seems every writer needs for their writing ritual.

1. A favorite pen. Even if we don’t use it often because we write on the computer, we have a pen that is beautiful and meaningful to us. Long before I started writing for others, a group of friends and I wrote an underground fanzine. Most of the articles/stories began their lives handwritten in a favorite journal.

2. A favorite journal. We might hold it dear because it’s gorgeous, or because of the person who gave it to us. It might remind us of a special place, too. My best friend who is also an author has several journals that she staunchly refuses to write in because they mean so much to her. There are others that are merely slightly less cherished that she uses regularly.

3. A special beverage and/or food item. Some of my author friends are coffee people, others tea. Most of them bring wine and/or candy to the party, too. In a previous life, I wrote grants. Big grants, small grants, foundation grants, federal grants. The federal ones were the worst. They were humongous and complex in terms of required research and writing. I’d write around the clock to finish them. Diet Coke and potato chips got me through every time.

4. A PlayList. A writer’s playlist is a group of songs that either motivate us to write, remind us of our story or our characters, or both. I don’t have a playlist yet for my Work in Progress, but I do have one for my first book. Maybe I’ll share it in my newsletter.

5. Totems. Totems are items that carry spiritual significance, or are symbolic of an important concept. I know two authors who have stuffed animal totems. I have several that are emblematic of serious supernatural writing—to me, anyway. Black fingerless gloves. Goth jewelry. Yellow candles for creativity. Pictures of people who remind me of my characters.

I don’t think rituals are unique to writers. My mom was a caterer who couldn’t cook without the strongest iced tea ever made. I know an artist who must use specific brushes, and swears his best work happens in a particular light of day. Do you have any rituals? What items are integral to your creative processes?

Stealth Delivery

Yesterday evening, I went outside to take my dogs for a walk. To my surprise, three boxes sat on my small porch. Three boxes from three different delivery services.

Wait. What?

Nothing had been on my porch earlier. My doorbell didn’t ring. Neither of my dogs barked and no one knocked on my door. Yet there the packages were.

Man carrying boxes for delivery.

It wasn’t the first time I was a victim of stealth delivery. Once, I went to the front yard to pick up my mail, then to the back yard to put the junk mail in the recycle bin. By the time I returned to the front, a package was on the porch! I hadn’t even heard a vehicle!

I suppose I understand why. It takes less time per delivery if you don’t connect with a person. In the age of COVID-19, it’s safer, too, especially if both parties aren’t wearing masks.

However, if you don’t let me know something is on my porch, how would I know it’s there until I accidentally trip over it? What if it rains? A book would be ruined. Perishables would fade in the heat or cold.

It could be stolen. Sometimes Amazon delivery agents take a picture and email it. That doesn’t work if it’s not always done. The inconsistency means you can’t rely on it to know if your package arrived.

What happened to good old fashioned “ring the bell and run”?

I’m irritated by stealth delivery. How about you?