Homeownership: The lies they tell you

The guys that put in my furnace a few years ago just pulled out of my driveway. It was time for a tune up. I trust the company, which I need to since I do whatever they tell me to do. One of the things I learned all on my own is if you let things get bad, they will only get worse. So I try not to let tings get bad. I remember when I bought my first house. “Congratulations!” they said. “It will feel good to not pay rent on someone else’s property.” Not one person told me signing on the dotted line was only the beginning.

So many things I did not know. Like you really should check the grading of your yard. My first house may as well have been a boat with as much water flowed from my backyard to my basement. If I had checked for watermarks in the basement BEFORE I bought the house. I also didn’t know th at the second the house is yours, things start to break. Deck stairs wobbling? Check. Water heater dies? Check. Aging pipes? Check. Squirrels in the attic? Double check.

After a while, I sold that house and lived in an apartment for a few years. Then like a lunatic, I moved to Connecticut and did it again. But this time, homeownership is NOT going to get the best of me. I check the drainage and walls. I found out when the roof was last replaced. Only the furnace cost me money right from the start.And truly, the benefits outway the problems. It’s MINE. My sanctuary. I can play my music as loud as I want to. I can decorate my walls, my lawn and any other thing I want to decorate. No regrets.

At least, not until I get the furnace bill.

The Business of Writing

I’ve been a writer for a long time. It started with journaling, then publishing and writing for a free, underground fanfic newsletter called Hot Chocolate. For me, writing has always been a necessary joy. Stories roll around in my head all the time and sometimes, they consume me. The result? House of the Rising Son, After Midnight, and the soon to be released, Waiting for the Son, and every short story I’ve ever written.

In looking to have House published, I discovered an unfortunate truth: Writing is a business.

Of course, I knew selling was part of it. I didn’t know the first of that selling was selling the story to a publisher. Most people think that publishers do everything. They sure do a lot, but most publishers don’t help much with marketing. But for a writer, marketing is Job #: Planning, Promotion, Social Media, and more.1. I had a lot of learning to do. At this point, I spend 5-10 hours a week on one marketing activity or another. I’m getting pretty good at some of them. Still don’t like marketing much.

I’m currently planning the launch of my 3rd novel, Waiting for the Son. I’m also working on a new short story, plotting the next book in the Living After Midnight series, and plotting another series. It’s too early to say to much about it except that the working title is Six +1. Look for it in the next year!

Onward. I have a launch to organize.

A Circle of Writers

Writing is hard. Even if the story comes easily, figuring out how to tell it may not. Writing is also lonely. You can sit for hours staring at your computer screen. Sure, your cat occasionally graces you with her presence but it’s not the same thing as having other people with you in the sometimes painful, sometimes gleeful, and always powerful journey.

I currently belong to Marketing for Romance Writers. This is an amazing collection of authors who are happy to share each other’s victories and lament each other’s pain. We don’t convene, but we connect in an email loop and social media. CT Romance Writers is another. I’ve belonged to this group the longest and I credit it with helping me to learn the craft and the ins and outs of submitting manuscripts. Both of these groups are relatively large, and while size has its advantages, it also means that it isn’t very intimate and it is not easy to form individual relationships.

That is where CT Writers Circle comes in. This small group of six wonderful women are my tribe. Each of us writes in very different genres—Thrillers. Poetry. Biographies. Ecological Mysteries. Romantic Comedy—and then there’s me, writing spicy LGBT and rock star romance. What connects us isn’t that we write the same thing. It’s that we are compelled to write, and are willing to support each other as women, as writers, and as colleagues.

No matter you passion, it's important to find your circle. I’m fortunate to have found groups of writers that welcomed me, and who make writing less lonely.

The Meaning of Christmas Cards

Christmas cards are among the things I like most about the Christmas season. There was a time we received nearly 100 cards each year. It was the one time I could look forward to hearing from far flung family members, old school friends, and people who shared my work or other interests. As a bonus many would be accompanied by newsletters, photos, or other extras. It was how we stayed connected to people in our lives whom we seldom saw.

These days I am disappointed at the number of cards that we find in our mailbox. There are many reasons, I know. People died, people moved and lost touch, and people’s lives changed. We have added new ones but somehow our world still feels smaller.

I think cards have become more important as covid has changed so many things that normally make up our behavior. We don’t shop at stores in person, so I really miss all the bright decorations. We don’t attend holiday parties. Our only contact with our neighbors is a wave from the driveway and appreciating their holiday decorations from afar. There is little in my day- to -day life that sets this time apart from any other.

I hope that cards and newsletters make a comeback. They take more effort than some people are willing to put in, but a card with a personal note says that you mean something to someone. And I, for one, consider each and every card a gift from a friend.

Do you send holiday cards?

The NaNo Journey

Every year. Every damn year I sign up for National Novel Writing Month. You know—the international movement to write a 50K word novel in the Month of November. Sounds crazy, right? Well, it is.

In a way, it is a competition, but not a traditional one. You’re competing against your work. School. Family. Church. Friends. Bathing. Okay, maybe not bathing. But the point is, your quest for fifty-thousand words is in direct competition with your normal life. It’s not possible to have both. It is also a personal challenge—the proverbial hero’s journey.

In September, you’re in the middle of your ordinary world. you remember Nano is around the corner. But by the end of the month, the pull of the challenge calls to you. (The Call to Adventure) Then your family reminds you how stressed you were last year. You remember the sleepless nights, the pain of digging into your soul and puking up words. You think better of joining the madness. (Refusal of the call)

But soon, you get an email from the Municipal Liaisons. They’re excited that NaNo is almost here. They have advice and plans for gatherings and stickers. They. Have. Stickers. (Meeting the Mentor) So you decide, “Sure! Why not?” You sign on and come up with an idea for your project. (Crossing the Threshold) You begin to gather your friends and fellow writers around you. (Tests, Allies, Enemies) Misery loves company.

Excitement and adrenaline fuel your start. It isn’t easy, but you push through. (Approach). And then you face the dreaded “saggy middle”. Your brain spasms and you can’t think of one more word. Everyone idea you ever had vanishes like a wisp of smoke. But you forge on, writing prayers to the goddesses of stories , asking for them to save you just this once. Documenting your stream of consciousness thoughts about how much you suck as a writer. And then, a glimmer of an idea flickers. With renewed energy, you set the keyboard on fire and just before the stroke of 11:59 on the last day you enter your tome on the NANO site.(The Ordeal)

Despite your exhaustion, you put on the Nano Winner t-shirt you ordered and have a glass (bottle) pof wine. Much celebrating is in order. (The Reward) The next day you take a deep breath, and read your story. Coffee is brewing, and the last of those stale donuts are calling your name. It’s time to edit. (The Road Back)

At the moment, I’m making my Approach. It’s a slow start this time around, but I will persevere. I’ll battle work and cleaning my house. I’ll try not to ignore my friends and family. I’ll remember to bathe. I’ll be the hero of this journey.

Ask A Busy Person—Said No Busy Person, Ever

There’s an adage that goes something like “If you need something done, ask a busy person”. The theory is that busy people are organized, achievement focused, and diligent. Therefore they are more likely to accomplish whatever is asked of them.

In my experience, it’s true. But it may also be disrespectful of your go-to busy person.

1. It presumes that whatever it is you need is more important than their many tasks. That efficient and effective person is going have to reorganize their schedule and reprioritize tasks to fit your work in.

2. This seemingly insignificant ask frees you up, but ties them down. Tasks almost always take longer than you think.

3. Some busy people are not busy because they want to be, but because they must be. As someone who worked two full-time jobs for more than a decade, I assure you I wouldn’t have if it wasn’t necessary to take care of my family.

4. Along the same lines as above, staying busy is sometimes a trauma response, one of those maladaptive coping mechanisms that helps one to avoid thinking too much and getting caught up in a hurricane of uncomfortable thoughts.

5. The inability to say no even when you should may also be a trauma response. Sometimes called the fawn response, it’s a way to avoid conflict, abuse, or trauma by keeping everyone happy.

   The next time you’re tempted to ask a busy person to get one more thing done, this time for you, pause and remember that helping you may be hurting them. Instead, buy them a cup of coffee or a milkshake and fries and ask if you can be of assistance.

Four things You Can Do To Stop Worrying.

It will come as no surprise to many of you that I am a worrier. I worry about my family and world peace. I worry about my reputation and my professional success. I worry about my health (a terrible predicament for a near-hypochondriac). I worry about global warming, COVID-19, and job security. 

I try very hard to NOT worry, but it’s complicated. Worthwhile ventures often are, but you can learn from my trial and error. Here are four things you can do instead of worrying.

1. Do something creative.

Science tells us that creative action lowers cortisol, the stress hormone. When cortisol is reduced, we feel more relaxed and gain a greater sense of perspective. It also increases dopamine, the “happy hormone.” Increased dopamine, in turn, can make you more creative. Consequently, it’s difficult to worry and engage in something creative. The really great thing is it doesn’t matter what creative endeavor you pursue. I write. I also crochet, scrapbook, and dabble in graphic design.

2. Listen to music.

Particularly music you love. Research tells us that when we listen to music that moves us, the “happy hormone,” dopamine increases. A lot of music moves me so much it makes me cry tears of the joyous and melancholy variety. I’m pretty eclectic in my tastes. While Prince is my number one musical favorite, I listen to Florida Georgia Line, Justin Bieber (Don’t hate. He has a fantastic voice.), Nine Inch Nails, and Rachmaninoff. 

3. Eat Chocolate.

Both dark chocolate and milk chocolate have been shown to reduce stress. Dark chocolate, however, is the king of stress relief. It has been shown to reduce cortisol (the stress hormone), and it contains magnesium (known to reduce symptoms of depression). The benefits don’t stop there. Dark chocolate contains flavonoids, which have been shown to improve cardiovascular functioning. You’d gain extra advantages if you eat your chocolate slowly and mindfully. It’s something called Chocolate Meditation.

Chocolate, not your thing? Try a cup of chamomile tea (those flavonoids again) or green tea (contains theanine, which may increase serotonin and dopamine). Learn more about these food items and more here.

4. Breathe.

There are so many sources online that support the use of breathing exercises to reduce stress. During a recent, persistent episode of worrying, one of my favorite medical people reminded me that deep breathing triggers the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting calmness. He instructed me to take five deep breaths. It worked like magic. I immediately felt calmer. Dr. Andrew Weil has a lot to say on the subject and offers these exercises.

I think worrying is a part of my basic personality and, as such, it’s difficult to stop. I’m not even sure I’d want to since worrying has occasionally saved me from making big mistakes. But sometimes, I worry about things I have zero control over. It’s in these times I use this list.

Let me know if you try any of them. Also, if something not on the list works for you, please do share.

Poison Ivy

If I haven’t already mentioned, my philosophy about all things green or flowering is “grow if you want to.” Sometimes it works in my favor. For instance, I once bought a discounted plant. It was priced at 75cents because the few remaining leaves were brown and scraggly. You couldn’t even tell what it was supposed to be. It was clearly dying. I felt like it needed a home. At least its final days would be happy. That was five years ago. It’s now a thriving philodendron.

Of course, sometimes my philosophy fails me, and a plant takes advantage of my kind disposition. Like poison ivy. I suppose I should call it MY poison ivy as it’s taken up residence in three places in my yard. If it had been content to stay in one area, it could make itself comfortable. But it decided to push the envelope.

Now, this plant has me hostage. I can’t kill it. There’s nothing I know of that will destroy this menace that won’t also kill everything else—in direct opposition to how my garden grows. What to do?

I have no choice but to suit up in long sleeves, gloves, a face mask, and long pants and try to extract it with my bare hands. Wish me luck. If, by chance, you have a better idea, please share.

Five Things Every Writer Needs

Woman at a table writing in a book with a cup of tea at her side.

A ritual is a combination of symbols, actions, words, and gestures. Rituals can be spiritual, religious, or ceremonial. We also engage in rituals because of their consistency and continuity. For this reason, rituals offer a sense of calm and familiarity.

Many of us are writers. Some are published authors; some are on their way. Some people write stories for their own amusement; others journal for their sanity. Still others write for work. Over the course of my life I’ve fallen into each one of these categories. No matter the type of writing or why one writes, there seems to be ritual involved.

There are five things it seems every writer needs for their writing ritual.

1. A favorite pen. Even if we don’t use it often because we write on the computer, we have a pen that is beautiful and meaningful to us. Long before I started writing for others, a group of friends and I wrote an underground fanzine. Most of the articles/stories began their lives handwritten in a favorite journal.

2. A favorite journal. We might hold it dear because it’s gorgeous, or because of the person who gave it to us. It might remind us of a special place, too. My best friend who is also an author has several journals that she staunchly refuses to write in because they mean so much to her. There are others that are merely slightly less cherished that she uses regularly.

3. A special beverage and/or food item. Some of my author friends are coffee people, others tea. Most of them bring wine and/or candy to the party, too. In a previous life, I wrote grants. Big grants, small grants, foundation grants, federal grants. The federal ones were the worst. They were humongous and complex in terms of required research and writing. I’d write around the clock to finish them. Diet Coke and potato chips got me through every time.

4. A PlayList. A writer’s playlist is a group of songs that either motivate us to write, remind us of our story or our characters, or both. I don’t have a playlist yet for my Work in Progress, but I do have one for my first book. Maybe I’ll share it in my newsletter.

5. Totems. Totems are items that carry spiritual significance, or are symbolic of an important concept. I know two authors who have stuffed animal totems. I have several that are emblematic of serious supernatural writing—to me, anyway. Black fingerless gloves. Goth jewelry. Yellow candles for creativity. Pictures of people who remind me of my characters.

I don’t think rituals are unique to writers. My mom was a caterer who couldn’t cook without the strongest iced tea ever made. I know an artist who must use specific brushes, and swears his best work happens in a particular light of day. Do you have any rituals? What items are integral to your creative processes?

Who Put the Social in Social Media?

I’m not a big fan of Facebook. I know, I know—Blasphemy. But I am certain when future generations look back on this period in history, they will determine that Facebook is the antithesis of “social” and was the beginning of the end of society as we know it. Here’s why:

• The privacy issues. Because of Facebook and the myriad social media platforms that have followed, we have grown accustomed to having less privacy than we have previously said we wanted. Go looking for that new mattress? Facebook will show you ads. Do a search for a new baking dish? Your feed is not overflowing.

• The ability to congregate. Okay, maybe this part isn’t all bad, as I’ll discuss in a moment. But it used to be the case that if you had some lunatic, criminal idea, you pretty much mulled it over in your basement all by yourself. Maybe you tried to convince your equally disturbed brother-in-law to join you in your flight of fantasy. But now you can find an entire group/page/friend list of like-minded criminals.

• The illusion of anonymity. Not that you’re actually anonymous. But because you’re at home in your bunny slippers and the other people are somewhere else, it can feel like you are. Consequently people seem to think they can say ANY DAMN THING and it’s fine. Bullying, disrespect, cruelty are all okay because, you know, no one knows it’s you.

Everyday I tell myself I need to stay away. That it would be much better for my mental health if I did. But…It is only because of Facebook that I’ve reconnected with people I lost touch with. People I knew way back when—my next door neighbors from childhood found me, for goodness sake! Coworkers I’d lost touch with because I moved—many times—and life has a habit of taking sharp turns. It’s pretty cool that they’ve found me.

Consequently, I’m here on my website. You can find me on Instagram. I play around on Pinterest. And damn it, yes. I’m on Facebook.

I’ll see you there. https://www.facebook.com/trevannr

Time is Moving Weirdly. Or is it just me?

A serene beach with the shade of a palm tree.

I’ve been home with my partner since March 13, except for a very anxiety-riddled visit to the vet (no contact delivery and pick up of my pooches) and a quick stop at Dairy Queen (we were RIGHT THERE. Don’t judge me.) For the first month, I was in a fog. Panicked all the time. Unable to sleep or eat. Obsessive. Hypochondriacal.

Thankfully, it did eventually end. Then I became focused on being productive. WRITE. CLEAN. ORGANIZE. Work on the yard. Get arts and crafty. There are days that I am very productive.

There are also days when I get up, have a cup of coffee, glance at the clock—and it’s 3:30PM. Then suddenly it’s 9:00PM. Then 11:00PM. What the hell?

I have a few guesses about what happens. Sometimes, it’s a social media time suck. Sometimes it’s a Netflix binge. Or more likely, my to-do list is SO BIG I wander around my house unsure of where or how to start.

The consequence is that I accomplish nothing on those days. Zilch. In fact, it’s all I can do to drag my exhausted for no reason self to bed. Fortunately, I found a fix for it. I pick ONE thing that I MUST accomplish each day, instead of my usual multi-item list. I nearly always do more, but when I don’t, I can still look back on the day and feel good about it.

Does this weird passing of time ever happen to you? How do you deal with it?

By the way, this beautiful picture here has nothing to do with what I’m writing about today. It just makes me happy. I hope it makes you happy, too.