Grief is an Interesting Emotion

This past week, I discovered that my beloved chiropractor died. His passing stunned me. He was in his forties, healthy and fit by all reports. He died nonetheless.

The day I received the news, I was numb, in utter disbelief. By the time I woke up the next morning, life itself felt surreal. As that second day passed, my sadness, raw as it was, brought to the surface my despair at having lost my sister 4 years ago, and my despondency at Prince’s untimely, senseless death. grief welled up inside me and came out in a torrent. I cried for two more days.

I’m grateful that my partner somehow understands me and tethers me when I feel like I’m drifting. There was a moment where I wailed in lament that life is so fragile and I’ve wasted mine. She said…

“You didn’t waste it—I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

That sweet sentence starting my climb from the abyss. I’m good today, but I’ll carry with me an important observation. No, more than an observation, a truth: Life is fragile. Take great care of yourself, and also live each day as if it could be your last. And tell people you love and appreciate them at every opportunity.

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Purpose

Existential dread is that feeling you get when you contemplate your purpose, your reason for existence, only to realize that one day you’ll be gone and at some point after that, you’ll be forgotten. It causes you to wonder what the point of it all is. What is the meaning of life?

It’s a not an uncommon human condition. I have had long moments of dread. It can feel pretty hopeless, and fill you with anxiety and sadness. It’s a place where we may find ourselves after a crisis, or a loss, or emotional trauma of any sort, but it is not a place you want to stay.

So what can you do when this hits you? First and foremost, if these thoughts lead to despair, reach out for professional help. There is no need to suffer.

If you are managing, you can scan the internet or the self-help section of the bookstore or library. You’ll find many suggestions. Here are a few strategies I’ve found effective for me.

Distraction It isn’t always a good idea to ignore the things that bother or upset you. This isn’t the case for existential dread. You should focus on things that give you joy, or entertain you and let go of the rest. Give yourself permission to play. The first time I remember feeling this way happened early on in my marriage. I started to see that nothing was as I thought it to be, even though I’d poured my heart, soul, and my entire being into the relationship. It was a big “what is the point” time in my life. Then I found Prince. He gave me joy, he gave me a group of friends that I have still. He saved me.

Live your values Admittedly, this is not easy when you're experiencing the pain of existence. But it helps to take stock of what’s important to you. Is it family? Service? Charity? Community? Hard work? Faith in a higher power? Identify what is the most important, and dedicate yourself to living it. Let it be your purpose.

Accept that there are things you may never know It’s still hard to talk about this, but my sister died a few years ago. I miss her every day. When she died I realized that I am the last person alive in my immediate family. That truth knocked the wind out of me. Did she know how much I cherished her? Why has she abandoned me? Why is life so painful? Why can’t we live forever? I work every day to accept that while it is human to ask the questions, there aren’t always answers.

Connections There are people who matter to you. It’s easy to forget you matter to them, too. Spend time with those you love, in person or virtually. Bask in the fact that you have touched their lives in a positive way, and let them touch yours.

That may very well be our purpose.

A Somewhat Disturbing Survey

A recent article by my website host is somewhat alarming, if not surprising. It reports a survey which looks at the online behavior and interests of Baby Boomers (born 1940-1964), Gen X (1965-1980), Gen Y (aka Millennials (1981-1995) and Gen Z (1996-2012).

The result that caught my eye is that 60% of Gen Z and 62% of Millennials believe how you present yourself online is more important than how you present yourself in person. Nearly 40% of Gen X and 30% of BabyBoomers agree.

And it gets worse.

Over 40% of Gen Z say they are more likely to remember the last website they visited than they are to remember their partner’s birthday. And—get this—40% of Americans say they spend more time browsing websites than having sex in a given week.

What have we become? More importantly, what are we becoming? A society that cares more about virtual reality than reality? A people who prefer to connect from a distance than face-to-face? That’s one possible future. The thought filled me with despair until I read a little further.

Over 90% of Gen Z want to start their own businesses as do 86% of Millennials and 3/4 of Gen X. Wow. That speaks of ambition, resiliency, and initiative, traits sometimes Baby Boomers and the silent generations (pre baby boomers) fail to see in younger generations.

Dare we have hope? We must.

Beyond Pink and Blue

Pink and blue watercolor. Pink, by the way, doesn’t have to be delicate like cotton candy. It is also strong like rose quartz.

I encourage engagement in my classes, through questions and answers, big and small group activities, team casework, and individual reflection. I’ve noticed an unfortunate pattern.

Whenever female students answer, there is almost always a disclaimer: “This is probably wrong, but…” “I know this isn’t right, but…” “I don’t know if this fits, but…” and a dozen other versions of the same sentiment. This is particularly crazy-making because my male students never use these phrases.

Not one. Ever.

Right or wrong, the guys plunge ahead, albeit some more confidently than others. If they are indeed incorrect, they either try to argue the point or shrug it off like it’s not a big deal. And they’re right.

It isn’t.

Being wrong isn’t a big deal if you learn from it. Take a shot! We learn from our mistakes. Here’s what’s correct about your answer, and here is where you take a wrong turn. Good effort, your thinking is sound. Here is another way to look at it. I also make sure to thank the students who offer a response because I know that showing up for learning is half the battle.

I think when I give them feedback at midterm, I will remind my expecting-to-be-wrong students that, in fact, they are usually right. I’ll point out to them that the world doesn’t stop rotating (nor is anyone chastised by me or their peers) if what they offer is incorrect. And I’ll tell all of my students that their engagement with me and with the material is valued. I’ll call them great students and strong critical thinkers.

Because, pink or blue, they are.

Ask A Busy Person—Said No Busy Person, Ever

There’s an adage that goes something like “If you need something done, ask a busy person”. The theory is that busy people are organized, achievement focused, and diligent. Therefore they are more likely to accomplish whatever is asked of them.

In my experience, it’s true. But it may also be disrespectful of your go-to busy person.

1. It presumes that whatever it is you need is more important than their many tasks. That efficient and effective person is going have to reorganize their schedule and reprioritize tasks to fit your work in.

2. This seemingly insignificant ask frees you up, but ties them down. Tasks almost always take longer than you think.

3. Some busy people are not busy because they want to be, but because they must be. As someone who worked two full-time jobs for more than a decade, I assure you I wouldn’t have if it wasn’t necessary to take care of my family.

4. Along the same lines as above, staying busy is sometimes a trauma response, one of those maladaptive coping mechanisms that helps one to avoid thinking too much and getting caught up in a hurricane of uncomfortable thoughts.

5. The inability to say no even when you should may also be a trauma response. Sometimes called the fawn response, it’s a way to avoid conflict, abuse, or trauma by keeping everyone happy.

   The next time you’re tempted to ask a busy person to get one more thing done, this time for you, pause and remember that helping you may be hurting them. Instead, buy them a cup of coffee or a milkshake and fries and ask if you can be of assistance.

Finding Music in Unusual Places

I'm not quite sure when it happened, but I stopped listening to the radio.

It probably happened when I stopped driving every day, which was really the only time I listened. But I distinctly remember a day of running errands when I noticed the same song playing when I went into the store as when I came back out. I love music, but it became obvious that radio stations were playing the same songs over and over.

My partner and I recently compared what we had on our phones. She’d never heard of most of the songs on mine. How was I choosing what to buy with my iTunes gift cards?

I hadn’t been paying attention. After looking at my list and giving it some thought, it became obvious: I bought music I heard in TV shows, commercials, and movies. It isn’t always easy to figure out the names of those songs or the artist, especially since only small segments of the song are usually played. The internet to the rescue!

Thanks to google and YouTube, nearly every song can be found eventually, but there is a bit of trial and error. Sometimes I find the song by looking at the music list for an episode of a TV show or googling a specific commercial. As long as I know the year the commercial aired, this works pretty well.

When I have only a line or two from the song, I have to listen to snippet after snippet on iTunes to find the one I want. I’ll give you an example. I heard a bit of a song on a video in YouTube. The only word I could remember when it came time to search for the song was “pray”.  iTunes has pages of artists who have recorded songs called Pray--and I wasn’t even sure this was the main word!   So, trial and error began as I listened to snippets of every song. I finally found it on a soundtrack from a movie I never saw. Sadly, this doesn’t work if the snippet is not the same as the one I heard and liked.

Another problem is it’s not always clear which versions of a song I want. For instance, do I want Toxic by Brittany Spears or the cast of Glee? I sometimes make mistakes.  It turns out I wanted the Glee version but bought Brittany because Glee didn’t come up on my first search.

Of course, it is also a lovely way to procrastinate. I can justify it as work related:  “It will go on my book’s playlist”. 

 Examples from commercials: 

• Under the Milky way by Sia

• Glitter and Gold by Barns Courtney

From TV shows:

• An Honest Man by Fantastic Negrito (Hand of God)

• In the Shadows by Amy Stroup (Lucifer)

• Multiple songs from Shadowhunters, WWE pay per views, Supernatural…

  From Movies:

• Pray from Fifty Shades Darker soundtrack

• Everybody Knows from Suicide squad soundtrack

While I don’t have a lot of Top-10 songs, my phone has a great variety of music I love. What to hear some of them? Check them out on one of my Youtube playlists.

Time Lost, Time Found

This blog post does not address the grief many of us experienced as our family and friends were lost to the ravages of COVID-19. It is not my intention to minimize our profound losses, but to offer perspective on time. My heart is with all of you.

TREVANN

It seems nearly every week for the last few months I’ve heard someone lament about life since the start of the pandemic. I can’t blame them. I’ve lamented too. The last year and a half has been surreal at best and at worst, lost time. Here are the Top Three Laments.

• The COVID 15. Or as I call it the pandemic 20. There are probably a few reason for this community-wide weight gain. More people than ever were baking for the first time or honing their baking skills. We were also stress eating—this was stress unlike anything we’d experienced before.

• The vicious cycle of anxiety-produced hyper-vigilance. We worry, wash hands continually, wipe down groceries, collect sanitizer and masks, and read too many articles about the virus.

• Guilt we didn’t accomplish more. Many of us overachievers/compulsive workaholics have given serious thought to what we could achieve given a year of excess free time. And then, given the time, we didn’t do it.

• De-conditioning. Active jobs became remote and sedentary. To add insult to injury we had no access to pools, gyms, and competitive sports.

As the world reopens (for better or worse), and people begin to go more places and do more things, the weight of grief for the Lost Year and a Half is dissipating. But it isn’t good enough to forget why and how hard we grieved. We have to embrace it and find the lessons learned.

A pocket watch in the sand at sunrise. Or sunset.

For instance, reframe the noise in your head that says you didn’t accomplish anything. If you give it thought I am quite sure you’ll figure out something you accomplished. We learned to bake,didn’t we? We taught ourselves computer skills we didn’t previously have. We cooked at home moreRemember we spent a lot of intensive time with our families and closest friends. First of all, if your family and friends are anything like mine, that is an accomplishment. But we also created new memories. Learned something new about the people we love. Treated each other with extra special care. 

Many of us kept the world turning. We did our part to keep the supply chain moving—the truck drivers, the grocery store workers, the delivery folks. We taught our children. We took care of the sick and cared for the elderly. 

Our lives were boiled down to the most important people, places, and things. Nothing had been lost. We found time.

A Quest for Organization

Time is slowly creeping toward the end of summer. Unlike most people I know, September marks the beginning of a new year for me. I suppose it is ingrained in me from my youth, or habit from my kid’s schedule, or even from the years of working in organizations in sync with the academic year. Time to shop for a system that holds the key to organizational Nirvana.

Sadly, I have decision fatigue. It happens every year—There are just too many choices. Do I want a classic calendar or a planner? Digital or paper? What are the must-have features?

I typically like a funky way to track my personal goals. Lately I’ve been into this honeycomb design. I also need a great amount of space for my professional tasks, as I tend to have many every week. Some bullet journal space is nice, too, as these make for good, functional to- do lists.

Determining layout includes another set of decisions. Portrait or landscape? Weekly, monthly, daily, or some combination? Twelve months, or fifteen, or eighteen? And what size? That’s particularly critical for non-digital systems.

The absolute hardest decisions, however, are about the design. I like too many pretty, peaceful things?Beaches or lighthouses? Pink or multiple pastel? Or maybe flowers? This alone accounts for my purchase of at least two systems. I won’t admit to you how many I bought last year.

What about you? What system do you use?

I Am Not the Alpha.

My dogs are a little insane. Rescue dogs, they have terrible separation anxiety. If we go outside in the yard without taking them with us, they cry. Toby is afraid of lightening and thunder but also runs at the sound of a bag hitting the floor. Even in very warm weather, he prefers to sleep under blankets. And you can see how he is leaning from the top of the sofa to eat, despite the fact that there was plenty of room next to his bowl. And oh yeah, he won’t eat on the floor.

Molly will eat anything, anyway. She too is afraid of thunder and lightening, but even on a quiet day she stretches on the floor with her head under something. Always. Under. Something. She also manages to twist her body in crazy ways.

Crazy as they are, they are as lovable. They love to cuddle, seem to know when one of us isn’t feeling well, and are happy to come when called. I’m pretty sure they love me…but they love my partner more.

When they hurt or are scared, she is the one they cling to. I mean cling. Molly will walk so close to her, that Molly’s nose touches the back of her knee. Toby sleeps against her back, an unmovable object. I’m the second choice.

For instance, the other night it was raining pretty hard. Actually, it had been raining for several days, with intermittent thunder. My partner was in the basement organizing something. Trembling like a bridge in an earthquake, Toby sat on my lap staring at the basement door. Molly was laying on my feet. They both clearly knew they could find safety with me, but the second my partner came up the stairs, they leaped toward her.

She is also the Alpha. Okay, fine, I’m the Beta. When Molly, my constant eater, gets a hold of something she really shouldn’t have, I cannot get her to put it down. She’d rather swallow whatever it is whole before giving in to me. But a stern word from my partner and boom, she drops it and she’s off sulking and missing the leaf of kale she’d rescued from the floor or whatever it was.

It’s fine. As much as we both love them, she’s their primary caretaker. I wish I could be, but the unfortunate truth is I’m either working out of the house or slaving on the computer in my office. But they follow her around all day.

Okay, yes, I’m a little jealous.

But I’m working on it. I get plenty of kisses and snuggles. What more could I ask for?

Duck, Duck....Cow?

My partner and I headed out today to pick up our CSA share—Community Supported Agriculture. This means a couple of times a year we invest in a local farm, which in turn provides us with vegetables and fruit during the summer and fall. The official temperature was 88 degrees Fahrenheit, which is hot enough. The heat index, however, was a whopping 97. It was brutal but we carried on.

By the time we lugged our bounty to the car and went back into the farm market for some eggs and a few other staples, we were hot, bleary-eyed, and our pulses were elevated from the heat Fortunately, once in the car, it didn’t take too long to cool off.

We took the scenic way home, meaning we drove a number of random streets that we hoped would get us to our destination. We do this a lot. Finding new streets and landing in strange places is fun for us. Today’s journey took us by a pond. It captured our attention because it was right in the middle of a residential neighborhood. Driving by, our conversation went something like this:

Me: “Wow!” I point at the pond. “Cows are in the water!”

Her: Looking at me with a puzzled expression. “Those are mallards. They’re beautiful.”

Me: “Mallards? No, those were cows.” Getting concerned. “You didn’t see the cows?”

Her. “There were no cows.”

So, I turn the car around and drive by again.

Me: “See? Cows.”

Her: “I know my eyes are bad, but those are not cows. They’re ducks. Mallards.”

Me: “If those are ducks, I’m driving straight to the hospital.” I thought the heat had gotten to me and my brain was misfiring.

I turn the car around again. This time, I put on my hazard lights and drive extremely slow.

“Cows!” I point.

“Mallards!” She points.

We realize we’re pointing in different directions. Close to the road, under a tangle of tree branches, are a herd of black cows, just moseying around in the water. Across the pond under a different group of low-hanging trees is the biggest raft of ducks I’ve ever seen.

We looked at each other, eyes wide, and exploded into laughter. We were both right, but we’d been so focused on where our sight first landed that it never occurred to us to LOOK SOMEWHERE ELSE IN THE POND.

There has to be a moral to the story, right? But which one:

• You miss out on big and small things when you don’t pay full attention?

• Don’t sightsee while driving?

• Be open to possibilities?

• Heat exhaustion is real?

Oh, well. At least no trip to the ER was necessary. Has anything like this ever happened to you?

Keep Your Cool

I strive to post new blogs each Tuesday, but I didn’t have it in me yesterday. With the heat index, it was 105 humid degrees in Connecticut. It was all I could do to move. There are many other places around the country that are in far worse shape. For example, Oregon reached around 115 degrees Fahrenheit.

The extreme heat advisory is in effect through at least tonight at 10PM. It’s currently a functional 103. Although we don’t have central air, I’m fortunate to be in the position to have high capacity portable AC in the major areas of my home. But my air conditioners are struggling to keep up.

Prolonged exposure to extreme heat is dangerous. It can lead to a condition called hyperthermia, which can cause confusion, nausea, vomiting, profuse sweating, cramps, heat exhaustion, and heat stroke. Take a look at the CDC’s recommendations at the link below. You’ll find an informative infographic that includes a list of symptoms and actions you should take.

https://www.cdc.gov/disasters/extremeheat/warning.html

If you, or someone you know is suffering in the heat, you may not realize that relief is available in the form of cooling centers. A cooling center is a site with adequate air conditioning for people who are at risk of heat-related illness because, for whatever reason, a cool and safe environment is not available them. During the day, you can go to a center and read or work on your laptop, chat with others, etc. while you avoid the potential effects of the heat.

These centers are located in cities and towns all over the country, usually on public transportation routes and operated by municipalities and nonprofit organizations.

There is no cost to take advantage of this life-saving service. One way to find locations and other details about cooling centers in your community is through the 211 network. https://www.211.org

Of course, many of us love sunny warm days and no one is suggesting that you can’t enjoy them. But you have to be smart. At this very moment I’m sitting in my air conditioned living room with two ice packs (one on my head), a tall thermos of ice water, and an ice pop in the freezer with my name on it. Anything I need to do outdoors can wait until the temperature decreases later tonight. Why not do the same?

Stay hydrated, stay vigilant, and stay cool.