Purpose

Existential dread is that feeling you get when you contemplate your purpose, your reason for existence, only to realize that one day you’ll be gone and at some point after that, you’ll be forgotten. It causes you to wonder what the point of it all is. What is the meaning of life?

It’s a not an uncommon human condition. I have had long moments of dread. It can feel pretty hopeless, and fill you with anxiety and sadness. It’s a place where we may find ourselves after a crisis, or a loss, or emotional trauma of any sort, but it is not a place you want to stay.

So what can you do when this hits you? First and foremost, if these thoughts lead to despair, reach out for professional help. There is no need to suffer.

If you are managing, you can scan the internet or the self-help section of the bookstore or library. You’ll find many suggestions. Here are a few strategies I’ve found effective for me.

Distraction It isn’t always a good idea to ignore the things that bother or upset you. This isn’t the case for existential dread. You should focus on things that give you joy, or entertain you and let go of the rest. Give yourself permission to play. The first time I remember feeling this way happened early on in my marriage. I started to see that nothing was as I thought it to be, even though I’d poured my heart, soul, and my entire being into the relationship. It was a big “what is the point” time in my life. Then I found Prince. He gave me joy, he gave me a group of friends that I have still. He saved me.

Live your values Admittedly, this is not easy when you're experiencing the pain of existence. But it helps to take stock of what’s important to you. Is it family? Service? Charity? Community? Hard work? Faith in a higher power? Identify what is the most important, and dedicate yourself to living it. Let it be your purpose.

Accept that there are things you may never know It’s still hard to talk about this, but my sister died a few years ago. I miss her every day. When she died I realized that I am the last person alive in my immediate family. That truth knocked the wind out of me. Did she know how much I cherished her? Why has she abandoned me? Why is life so painful? Why can’t we live forever? I work every day to accept that while it is human to ask the questions, there aren’t always answers.

Connections There are people who matter to you. It’s easy to forget you matter to them, too. Spend time with those you love, in person or virtually. Bask in the fact that you have touched their lives in a positive way, and let them touch yours.

That may very well be our purpose.

The NaNo Journey

Every year. Every damn year I sign up for National Novel Writing Month. You know—the international movement to write a 50K word novel in the Month of November. Sounds crazy, right? Well, it is.

In a way, it is a competition, but not a traditional one. You’re competing against your work. School. Family. Church. Friends. Bathing. Okay, maybe not bathing. But the point is, your quest for fifty-thousand words is in direct competition with your normal life. It’s not possible to have both. It is also a personal challenge—the proverbial hero’s journey.

In September, you’re in the middle of your ordinary world. you remember Nano is around the corner. But by the end of the month, the pull of the challenge calls to you. (The Call to Adventure) Then your family reminds you how stressed you were last year. You remember the sleepless nights, the pain of digging into your soul and puking up words. You think better of joining the madness. (Refusal of the call)

But soon, you get an email from the Municipal Liaisons. They’re excited that NaNo is almost here. They have advice and plans for gatherings and stickers. They. Have. Stickers. (Meeting the Mentor) So you decide, “Sure! Why not?” You sign on and come up with an idea for your project. (Crossing the Threshold) You begin to gather your friends and fellow writers around you. (Tests, Allies, Enemies) Misery loves company.

Excitement and adrenaline fuel your start. It isn’t easy, but you push through. (Approach). And then you face the dreaded “saggy middle”. Your brain spasms and you can’t think of one more word. Everyone idea you ever had vanishes like a wisp of smoke. But you forge on, writing prayers to the goddesses of stories , asking for them to save you just this once. Documenting your stream of consciousness thoughts about how much you suck as a writer. And then, a glimmer of an idea flickers. With renewed energy, you set the keyboard on fire and just before the stroke of 11:59 on the last day you enter your tome on the NANO site.(The Ordeal)

Despite your exhaustion, you put on the Nano Winner t-shirt you ordered and have a glass (bottle) pof wine. Much celebrating is in order. (The Reward) The next day you take a deep breath, and read your story. Coffee is brewing, and the last of those stale donuts are calling your name. It’s time to edit. (The Road Back)

At the moment, I’m making my Approach. It’s a slow start this time around, but I will persevere. I’ll battle work and cleaning my house. I’ll try not to ignore my friends and family. I’ll remember to bathe. I’ll be the hero of this journey.

A Somewhat Disturbing Survey

A recent article by my website host is somewhat alarming, if not surprising. It reports a survey which looks at the online behavior and interests of Baby Boomers (born 1940-1964), Gen X (1965-1980), Gen Y (aka Millennials (1981-1995) and Gen Z (1996-2012).

The result that caught my eye is that 60% of Gen Z and 62% of Millennials believe how you present yourself online is more important than how you present yourself in person. Nearly 40% of Gen X and 30% of BabyBoomers agree.

And it gets worse.

Over 40% of Gen Z say they are more likely to remember the last website they visited than they are to remember their partner’s birthday. And—get this—40% of Americans say they spend more time browsing websites than having sex in a given week.

What have we become? More importantly, what are we becoming? A society that cares more about virtual reality than reality? A people who prefer to connect from a distance than face-to-face? That’s one possible future. The thought filled me with despair until I read a little further.

Over 90% of Gen Z want to start their own businesses as do 86% of Millennials and 3/4 of Gen X. Wow. That speaks of ambition, resiliency, and initiative, traits sometimes Baby Boomers and the silent generations (pre baby boomers) fail to see in younger generations.

Dare we have hope? We must.

Beyond Pink and Blue

Pink and blue watercolor. Pink, by the way, doesn’t have to be delicate like cotton candy. It is also strong like rose quartz.

I encourage engagement in my classes, through questions and answers, big and small group activities, team casework, and individual reflection. I’ve noticed an unfortunate pattern.

Whenever female students answer, there is almost always a disclaimer: “This is probably wrong, but…” “I know this isn’t right, but…” “I don’t know if this fits, but…” and a dozen other versions of the same sentiment. This is particularly crazy-making because my male students never use these phrases.

Not one. Ever.

Right or wrong, the guys plunge ahead, albeit some more confidently than others. If they are indeed incorrect, they either try to argue the point or shrug it off like it’s not a big deal. And they’re right.

It isn’t.

Being wrong isn’t a big deal if you learn from it. Take a shot! We learn from our mistakes. Here’s what’s correct about your answer, and here is where you take a wrong turn. Good effort, your thinking is sound. Here is another way to look at it. I also make sure to thank the students who offer a response because I know that showing up for learning is half the battle.

I think when I give them feedback at midterm, I will remind my expecting-to-be-wrong students that, in fact, they are usually right. I’ll point out to them that the world doesn’t stop rotating (nor is anyone chastised by me or their peers) if what they offer is incorrect. And I’ll tell all of my students that their engagement with me and with the material is valued. I’ll call them great students and strong critical thinkers.

Because, pink or blue, they are.

Movies On Deck

Popcorn!

There are two sci-fi/fantasy movies coming out in October. I’m really looking forward to them. From what I’ve been able to piece together from several articles, Last Night in Soho is a thriller about a woman who is inexplicably transported to London circa 1960 and lands in the body of a nightclub singer.  Unfortunately, the singers life is not all it seems to be and both lives somehow begin to fall apart. Doesn’t that sound exciting? Time travel, possession, and intrigue? Can’t beat it.

The second movie is a remake of Dune. Based on a 1965 science-fiction novel by Frank Herbert,Dune is on classic hero’s journey to save his family. I admit, when the first movie came out in 1985, I was not impressed. It was overacted and rambling. But this version is bound to be different. Three reasons: Dave Bautista (WWE and Guardian of the Galaxy), Timothée Chalamet (Call Me By Your Name, Hot Summer Nights, and Hot Summer Nights) and Jason Momoa. 

Talk about a visually spectacular movie. 

Dune opens on October 22. Last Night in Soho opens on October 29.  Anyone for popcorn?

Ask A Busy Person—Said No Busy Person, Ever

There’s an adage that goes something like “If you need something done, ask a busy person”. The theory is that busy people are organized, achievement focused, and diligent. Therefore they are more likely to accomplish whatever is asked of them.

In my experience, it’s true. But it may also be disrespectful of your go-to busy person.

1. It presumes that whatever it is you need is more important than their many tasks. That efficient and effective person is going have to reorganize their schedule and reprioritize tasks to fit your work in.

2. This seemingly insignificant ask frees you up, but ties them down. Tasks almost always take longer than you think.

3. Some busy people are not busy because they want to be, but because they must be. As someone who worked two full-time jobs for more than a decade, I assure you I wouldn’t have if it wasn’t necessary to take care of my family.

4. Along the same lines as above, staying busy is sometimes a trauma response, one of those maladaptive coping mechanisms that helps one to avoid thinking too much and getting caught up in a hurricane of uncomfortable thoughts.

5. The inability to say no even when you should may also be a trauma response. Sometimes called the fawn response, it’s a way to avoid conflict, abuse, or trauma by keeping everyone happy.

   The next time you’re tempted to ask a busy person to get one more thing done, this time for you, pause and remember that helping you may be hurting them. Instead, buy them a cup of coffee or a milkshake and fries and ask if you can be of assistance.

Finding Music in Unusual Places

I'm not quite sure when it happened, but I stopped listening to the radio.

It probably happened when I stopped driving every day, which was really the only time I listened. But I distinctly remember a day of running errands when I noticed the same song playing when I went into the store as when I came back out. I love music, but it became obvious that radio stations were playing the same songs over and over.

My partner and I recently compared what we had on our phones. She’d never heard of most of the songs on mine. How was I choosing what to buy with my iTunes gift cards?

I hadn’t been paying attention. After looking at my list and giving it some thought, it became obvious: I bought music I heard in TV shows, commercials, and movies. It isn’t always easy to figure out the names of those songs or the artist, especially since only small segments of the song are usually played. The internet to the rescue!

Thanks to google and YouTube, nearly every song can be found eventually, but there is a bit of trial and error. Sometimes I find the song by looking at the music list for an episode of a TV show or googling a specific commercial. As long as I know the year the commercial aired, this works pretty well.

When I have only a line or two from the song, I have to listen to snippet after snippet on iTunes to find the one I want. I’ll give you an example. I heard a bit of a song on a video in YouTube. The only word I could remember when it came time to search for the song was “pray”.  iTunes has pages of artists who have recorded songs called Pray--and I wasn’t even sure this was the main word!   So, trial and error began as I listened to snippets of every song. I finally found it on a soundtrack from a movie I never saw. Sadly, this doesn’t work if the snippet is not the same as the one I heard and liked.

Another problem is it’s not always clear which versions of a song I want. For instance, do I want Toxic by Brittany Spears or the cast of Glee? I sometimes make mistakes.  It turns out I wanted the Glee version but bought Brittany because Glee didn’t come up on my first search.

Of course, it is also a lovely way to procrastinate. I can justify it as work related:  “It will go on my book’s playlist”. 

 Examples from commercials: 

• Under the Milky way by Sia

• Glitter and Gold by Barns Courtney

From TV shows:

• An Honest Man by Fantastic Negrito (Hand of God)

• In the Shadows by Amy Stroup (Lucifer)

• Multiple songs from Shadowhunters, WWE pay per views, Supernatural…

  From Movies:

• Pray from Fifty Shades Darker soundtrack

• Everybody Knows from Suicide squad soundtrack

While I don’t have a lot of Top-10 songs, my phone has a great variety of music I love. What to hear some of them? Check them out on one of my Youtube playlists.

Time Lost, Time Found

This blog post does not address the grief many of us experienced as our family and friends were lost to the ravages of COVID-19. It is not my intention to minimize our profound losses, but to offer perspective on time. My heart is with all of you.

TREVANN

It seems nearly every week for the last few months I’ve heard someone lament about life since the start of the pandemic. I can’t blame them. I’ve lamented too. The last year and a half has been surreal at best and at worst, lost time. Here are the Top Three Laments.

• The COVID 15. Or as I call it the pandemic 20. There are probably a few reason for this community-wide weight gain. More people than ever were baking for the first time or honing their baking skills. We were also stress eating—this was stress unlike anything we’d experienced before.

• The vicious cycle of anxiety-produced hyper-vigilance. We worry, wash hands continually, wipe down groceries, collect sanitizer and masks, and read too many articles about the virus.

• Guilt we didn’t accomplish more. Many of us overachievers/compulsive workaholics have given serious thought to what we could achieve given a year of excess free time. And then, given the time, we didn’t do it.

• De-conditioning. Active jobs became remote and sedentary. To add insult to injury we had no access to pools, gyms, and competitive sports.

As the world reopens (for better or worse), and people begin to go more places and do more things, the weight of grief for the Lost Year and a Half is dissipating. But it isn’t good enough to forget why and how hard we grieved. We have to embrace it and find the lessons learned.

A pocket watch in the sand at sunrise. Or sunset.

For instance, reframe the noise in your head that says you didn’t accomplish anything. If you give it thought I am quite sure you’ll figure out something you accomplished. We learned to bake,didn’t we? We taught ourselves computer skills we didn’t previously have. We cooked at home moreRemember we spent a lot of intensive time with our families and closest friends. First of all, if your family and friends are anything like mine, that is an accomplishment. But we also created new memories. Learned something new about the people we love. Treated each other with extra special care. 

Many of us kept the world turning. We did our part to keep the supply chain moving—the truck drivers, the grocery store workers, the delivery folks. We taught our children. We took care of the sick and cared for the elderly. 

Our lives were boiled down to the most important people, places, and things. Nothing had been lost. We found time.

Four things You Can Do To Stop Worrying.

It will come as no surprise to many of you that I am a worrier. I worry about my family and world peace. I worry about my reputation and my professional success. I worry about my health (a terrible predicament for a near-hypochondriac). I worry about global warming, COVID-19, and job security. 

I try very hard to NOT worry, but it’s complicated. Worthwhile ventures often are, but you can learn from my trial and error. Here are four things you can do instead of worrying.

1. Do something creative.

Science tells us that creative action lowers cortisol, the stress hormone. When cortisol is reduced, we feel more relaxed and gain a greater sense of perspective. It also increases dopamine, the “happy hormone.” Increased dopamine, in turn, can make you more creative. Consequently, it’s difficult to worry and engage in something creative. The really great thing is it doesn’t matter what creative endeavor you pursue. I write. I also crochet, scrapbook, and dabble in graphic design.

2. Listen to music.

Particularly music you love. Research tells us that when we listen to music that moves us, the “happy hormone,” dopamine increases. A lot of music moves me so much it makes me cry tears of the joyous and melancholy variety. I’m pretty eclectic in my tastes. While Prince is my number one musical favorite, I listen to Florida Georgia Line, Justin Bieber (Don’t hate. He has a fantastic voice.), Nine Inch Nails, and Rachmaninoff. 

3. Eat Chocolate.

Both dark chocolate and milk chocolate have been shown to reduce stress. Dark chocolate, however, is the king of stress relief. It has been shown to reduce cortisol (the stress hormone), and it contains magnesium (known to reduce symptoms of depression). The benefits don’t stop there. Dark chocolate contains flavonoids, which have been shown to improve cardiovascular functioning. You’d gain extra advantages if you eat your chocolate slowly and mindfully. It’s something called Chocolate Meditation.

Chocolate, not your thing? Try a cup of chamomile tea (those flavonoids again) or green tea (contains theanine, which may increase serotonin and dopamine). Learn more about these food items and more here.

4. Breathe.

There are so many sources online that support the use of breathing exercises to reduce stress. During a recent, persistent episode of worrying, one of my favorite medical people reminded me that deep breathing triggers the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting calmness. He instructed me to take five deep breaths. It worked like magic. I immediately felt calmer. Dr. Andrew Weil has a lot to say on the subject and offers these exercises.

I think worrying is a part of my basic personality and, as such, it’s difficult to stop. I’m not even sure I’d want to since worrying has occasionally saved me from making big mistakes. But sometimes, I worry about things I have zero control over. It’s in these times I use this list.

Let me know if you try any of them. Also, if something not on the list works for you, please do share.

Poison Ivy

If I haven’t already mentioned, my philosophy about all things green or flowering is “grow if you want to.” Sometimes it works in my favor. For instance, I once bought a discounted plant. It was priced at 75cents because the few remaining leaves were brown and scraggly. You couldn’t even tell what it was supposed to be. It was clearly dying. I felt like it needed a home. At least its final days would be happy. That was five years ago. It’s now a thriving philodendron.

Of course, sometimes my philosophy fails me, and a plant takes advantage of my kind disposition. Like poison ivy. I suppose I should call it MY poison ivy as it’s taken up residence in three places in my yard. If it had been content to stay in one area, it could make itself comfortable. But it decided to push the envelope.

Now, this plant has me hostage. I can’t kill it. There’s nothing I know of that will destroy this menace that won’t also kill everything else—in direct opposition to how my garden grows. What to do?

I have no choice but to suit up in long sleeves, gloves, a face mask, and long pants and try to extract it with my bare hands. Wish me luck. If, by chance, you have a better idea, please share.

A Quest for Organization

Time is slowly creeping toward the end of summer. Unlike most people I know, September marks the beginning of a new year for me. I suppose it is ingrained in me from my youth, or habit from my kid’s schedule, or even from the years of working in organizations in sync with the academic year. Time to shop for a system that holds the key to organizational Nirvana.

Sadly, I have decision fatigue. It happens every year—There are just too many choices. Do I want a classic calendar or a planner? Digital or paper? What are the must-have features?

I typically like a funky way to track my personal goals. Lately I’ve been into this honeycomb design. I also need a great amount of space for my professional tasks, as I tend to have many every week. Some bullet journal space is nice, too, as these make for good, functional to- do lists.

Determining layout includes another set of decisions. Portrait or landscape? Weekly, monthly, daily, or some combination? Twelve months, or fifteen, or eighteen? And what size? That’s particularly critical for non-digital systems.

The absolute hardest decisions, however, are about the design. I like too many pretty, peaceful things?Beaches or lighthouses? Pink or multiple pastel? Or maybe flowers? This alone accounts for my purchase of at least two systems. I won’t admit to you how many I bought last year.

What about you? What system do you use?