A Circle of Writers

Writing is hard. Even if the story comes easily, figuring out how to tell it may not. Writing is also lonely. You can sit for hours staring at your computer screen. Sure, your cat occasionally graces you with her presence but it’s not the same thing as having other people with you in the sometimes painful, sometimes gleeful, and always powerful journey.

I currently belong to Marketing for Romance Writers. This is an amazing collection of authors who are happy to share each other’s victories and lament each other’s pain. We don’t convene, but we connect in an email loop and social media. CT Romance Writers is another. I’ve belonged to this group the longest and I credit it with helping me to learn the craft and the ins and outs of submitting manuscripts. Both of these groups are relatively large, and while size has its advantages, it also means that it isn’t very intimate and it is not easy to form individual relationships.

That is where CT Writers Circle comes in. This small group of six wonderful women are my tribe. Each of us writes in very different genres—Thrillers. Poetry. Biographies. Ecological Mysteries. Romantic Comedy—and then there’s me, writing spicy LGBT and rock star romance. What connects us isn’t that we write the same thing. It’s that we are compelled to write, and are willing to support each other as women, as writers, and as colleagues.

No matter you passion, it's important to find your circle. I’m fortunate to have found groups of writers that welcomed me, and who make writing less lonely.

Mercury is in Retrograde, and So Am I

Thankfully, Mercury is retrograde just three more days. It started on January 14 and ends on February 3. “What is this?”, you may ask.

Three or four times a year, Mercury appears to be moving backward, and is thought to cause all manner of communication and technological problems. General advice is don’t sign any important contracts and do not buy technology during this period.

Although I don’t usually seem to be affected by this (and I am skeptical of it most of the time), this year I feel it in my bones. My biggest problem, however, is that the technology I need to use in my classroom is failing me. Every day I have to call in IT to fix the display. They get it running in 20 minutes or so, and assure me it is fixed permanently. If that was the case, why am I calling you every day?

Monday, as usual, I called the techs in again. This time, none of their magic worked. They threw their hands up in the air and exclaimed, “We have to call the manufacturer.”

Seriously.

So I have to now rely on old fashion white boards. Without my regular gear, class could be a snoozefest for my students. I am taxing every creative cell in my body to develop lesson plans that will keep them engaged. Or at least awake.

Three more days.

Writers Love Words

It’s a fact. Writers love words. We carefully select and arrange them in order to tell a story. Truly, choice of words can make a difference between a novel that resonates with people and one that falls flat.

Over the course of my life, I’ve been enamored by a mispronunciation or adorable misuse. A child I once knew asked for “chockmage” when she wanted chocolate milk. A former foster kid said “sawt” for salt. My sister used to call fringe “fringles”. Speaking of fringe, my niece used to say “french benefits” instead of fringe benefits. My son (when he was much younger and probably will hate me writing this) referred to goosebumps as “freeze blisters”. A former client of mine used to tell people she had ESPN because she knew things. Another client told me she enjoyed “being in my near”—perhaps the sweetest way anyone has ever told me they liked me.

I’ve also fallen in love with words. Not because of their meaning, but because of how the person (typically a person I cared about) said them. My mom, an intelligent, intuitive woman, played with words. Sometimes literally. She’d make up word games to entertain us during long car rides. But she was also playful. “Absolutely positutely,” was a favorite saying. A caterer by trade, she loved desserts made with “nutneg.” She said she was “exhaustipated”, when she was tired down to her bones. By the way, she used that word DECADES before it landed in the Urban Dictionary.)

Some mispronunciations make me swoon. “Beso foda pop had fiz,” is a lyric Prince once sung. Yet another artist I adore sings “Kismas” and my heart melts. Crazy, right? Absolutely positutely.

What misuse or mispronunciations make you smile?

The Meaning of Christmas Cards

Christmas cards are among the things I like most about the Christmas season. There was a time we received nearly 100 cards each year. It was the one time I could look forward to hearing from far flung family members, old school friends, and people who shared my work or other interests. As a bonus many would be accompanied by newsletters, photos, or other extras. It was how we stayed connected to people in our lives whom we seldom saw.

These days I am disappointed at the number of cards that we find in our mailbox. There are many reasons, I know. People died, people moved and lost touch, and people’s lives changed. We have added new ones but somehow our world still feels smaller.

I think cards have become more important as covid has changed so many things that normally make up our behavior. We don’t shop at stores in person, so I really miss all the bright decorations. We don’t attend holiday parties. Our only contact with our neighbors is a wave from the driveway and appreciating their holiday decorations from afar. There is little in my day- to -day life that sets this time apart from any other.

I hope that cards and newsletters make a comeback. They take more effort than some people are willing to put in, but a card with a personal note says that you mean something to someone. And I, for one, consider each and every card a gift from a friend.

Do you send holiday cards?

Grief is an Interesting Emotion

This past week, I discovered that my beloved chiropractor died. His passing stunned me. He was in his forties, healthy and fit by all reports. He died nonetheless.

The day I received the news, I was numb, in utter disbelief. By the time I woke up the next morning, life itself felt surreal. As that second day passed, my sadness, raw as it was, brought to the surface my despair at having lost my sister 4 years ago, and my despondency at Prince’s untimely, senseless death. grief welled up inside me and came out in a torrent. I cried for two more days.

I’m grateful that my partner somehow understands me and tethers me when I feel like I’m drifting. There was a moment where I wailed in lament that life is so fragile and I’ve wasted mine. She said…

“You didn’t waste it—I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

That sweet sentence starting my climb from the abyss. I’m good today, but I’ll carry with me an important observation. No, more than an observation, a truth: Life is fragile. Take great care of yourself, and also live each day as if it could be your last. And tell people you love and appreciate them at every opportunity.

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Purpose

Existential dread is that feeling you get when you contemplate your purpose, your reason for existence, only to realize that one day you’ll be gone and at some point after that, you’ll be forgotten. It causes you to wonder what the point of it all is. What is the meaning of life?

It’s a not an uncommon human condition. I have had long moments of dread. It can feel pretty hopeless, and fill you with anxiety and sadness. It’s a place where we may find ourselves after a crisis, or a loss, or emotional trauma of any sort, but it is not a place you want to stay.

So what can you do when this hits you? First and foremost, if these thoughts lead to despair, reach out for professional help. There is no need to suffer.

If you are managing, you can scan the internet or the self-help section of the bookstore or library. You’ll find many suggestions. Here are a few strategies I’ve found effective for me.

Distraction It isn’t always a good idea to ignore the things that bother or upset you. This isn’t the case for existential dread. You should focus on things that give you joy, or entertain you and let go of the rest. Give yourself permission to play. The first time I remember feeling this way happened early on in my marriage. I started to see that nothing was as I thought it to be, even though I’d poured my heart, soul, and my entire being into the relationship. It was a big “what is the point” time in my life. Then I found Prince. He gave me joy, he gave me a group of friends that I have still. He saved me.

Live your values Admittedly, this is not easy when you're experiencing the pain of existence. But it helps to take stock of what’s important to you. Is it family? Service? Charity? Community? Hard work? Faith in a higher power? Identify what is the most important, and dedicate yourself to living it. Let it be your purpose.

Accept that there are things you may never know It’s still hard to talk about this, but my sister died a few years ago. I miss her every day. When she died I realized that I am the last person alive in my immediate family. That truth knocked the wind out of me. Did she know how much I cherished her? Why has she abandoned me? Why is life so painful? Why can’t we live forever? I work every day to accept that while it is human to ask the questions, there aren’t always answers.

Connections There are people who matter to you. It’s easy to forget you matter to them, too. Spend time with those you love, in person or virtually. Bask in the fact that you have touched their lives in a positive way, and let them touch yours.

That may very well be our purpose.

A Somewhat Disturbing Survey

A recent article by my website host is somewhat alarming, if not surprising. It reports a survey which looks at the online behavior and interests of Baby Boomers (born 1940-1964), Gen X (1965-1980), Gen Y (aka Millennials (1981-1995) and Gen Z (1996-2012).

The result that caught my eye is that 60% of Gen Z and 62% of Millennials believe how you present yourself online is more important than how you present yourself in person. Nearly 40% of Gen X and 30% of BabyBoomers agree.

And it gets worse.

Over 40% of Gen Z say they are more likely to remember the last website they visited than they are to remember their partner’s birthday. And—get this—40% of Americans say they spend more time browsing websites than having sex in a given week.

What have we become? More importantly, what are we becoming? A society that cares more about virtual reality than reality? A people who prefer to connect from a distance than face-to-face? That’s one possible future. The thought filled me with despair until I read a little further.

Over 90% of Gen Z want to start their own businesses as do 86% of Millennials and 3/4 of Gen X. Wow. That speaks of ambition, resiliency, and initiative, traits sometimes Baby Boomers and the silent generations (pre baby boomers) fail to see in younger generations.

Dare we have hope? We must.

Beyond Pink and Blue

Pink and blue watercolor. Pink, by the way, doesn’t have to be delicate like cotton candy. It is also strong like rose quartz.

I encourage engagement in my classes, through questions and answers, big and small group activities, team casework, and individual reflection. I’ve noticed an unfortunate pattern.

Whenever female students answer, there is almost always a disclaimer: “This is probably wrong, but…” “I know this isn’t right, but…” “I don’t know if this fits, but…” and a dozen other versions of the same sentiment. This is particularly crazy-making because my male students never use these phrases.

Not one. Ever.

Right or wrong, the guys plunge ahead, albeit some more confidently than others. If they are indeed incorrect, they either try to argue the point or shrug it off like it’s not a big deal. And they’re right.

It isn’t.

Being wrong isn’t a big deal if you learn from it. Take a shot! We learn from our mistakes. Here’s what’s correct about your answer, and here is where you take a wrong turn. Good effort, your thinking is sound. Here is another way to look at it. I also make sure to thank the students who offer a response because I know that showing up for learning is half the battle.

I think when I give them feedback at midterm, I will remind my expecting-to-be-wrong students that, in fact, they are usually right. I’ll point out to them that the world doesn’t stop rotating (nor is anyone chastised by me or their peers) if what they offer is incorrect. And I’ll tell all of my students that their engagement with me and with the material is valued. I’ll call them great students and strong critical thinkers.

Because, pink or blue, they are.

Ask A Busy Person—Said No Busy Person, Ever

There’s an adage that goes something like “If you need something done, ask a busy person”. The theory is that busy people are organized, achievement focused, and diligent. Therefore they are more likely to accomplish whatever is asked of them.

In my experience, it’s true. But it may also be disrespectful of your go-to busy person.

1. It presumes that whatever it is you need is more important than their many tasks. That efficient and effective person is going have to reorganize their schedule and reprioritize tasks to fit your work in.

2. This seemingly insignificant ask frees you up, but ties them down. Tasks almost always take longer than you think.

3. Some busy people are not busy because they want to be, but because they must be. As someone who worked two full-time jobs for more than a decade, I assure you I wouldn’t have if it wasn’t necessary to take care of my family.

4. Along the same lines as above, staying busy is sometimes a trauma response, one of those maladaptive coping mechanisms that helps one to avoid thinking too much and getting caught up in a hurricane of uncomfortable thoughts.

5. The inability to say no even when you should may also be a trauma response. Sometimes called the fawn response, it’s a way to avoid conflict, abuse, or trauma by keeping everyone happy.

   The next time you’re tempted to ask a busy person to get one more thing done, this time for you, pause and remember that helping you may be hurting them. Instead, buy them a cup of coffee or a milkshake and fries and ask if you can be of assistance.

Finding Music in Unusual Places

I'm not quite sure when it happened, but I stopped listening to the radio.

It probably happened when I stopped driving every day, which was really the only time I listened. But I distinctly remember a day of running errands when I noticed the same song playing when I went into the store as when I came back out. I love music, but it became obvious that radio stations were playing the same songs over and over.

My partner and I recently compared what we had on our phones. She’d never heard of most of the songs on mine. How was I choosing what to buy with my iTunes gift cards?

I hadn’t been paying attention. After looking at my list and giving it some thought, it became obvious: I bought music I heard in TV shows, commercials, and movies. It isn’t always easy to figure out the names of those songs or the artist, especially since only small segments of the song are usually played. The internet to the rescue!

Thanks to google and YouTube, nearly every song can be found eventually, but there is a bit of trial and error. Sometimes I find the song by looking at the music list for an episode of a TV show or googling a specific commercial. As long as I know the year the commercial aired, this works pretty well.

When I have only a line or two from the song, I have to listen to snippet after snippet on iTunes to find the one I want. I’ll give you an example. I heard a bit of a song on a video in YouTube. The only word I could remember when it came time to search for the song was “pray”.  iTunes has pages of artists who have recorded songs called Pray--and I wasn’t even sure this was the main word!   So, trial and error began as I listened to snippets of every song. I finally found it on a soundtrack from a movie I never saw. Sadly, this doesn’t work if the snippet is not the same as the one I heard and liked.

Another problem is it’s not always clear which versions of a song I want. For instance, do I want Toxic by Brittany Spears or the cast of Glee? I sometimes make mistakes.  It turns out I wanted the Glee version but bought Brittany because Glee didn’t come up on my first search.

Of course, it is also a lovely way to procrastinate. I can justify it as work related:  “It will go on my book’s playlist”. 

 Examples from commercials: 

• Under the Milky way by Sia

• Glitter and Gold by Barns Courtney

From TV shows:

• An Honest Man by Fantastic Negrito (Hand of God)

• In the Shadows by Amy Stroup (Lucifer)

• Multiple songs from Shadowhunters, WWE pay per views, Supernatural…

  From Movies:

• Pray from Fifty Shades Darker soundtrack

• Everybody Knows from Suicide squad soundtrack

While I don’t have a lot of Top-10 songs, my phone has a great variety of music I love. What to hear some of them? Check them out on one of my Youtube playlists.

Time Lost, Time Found

This blog post does not address the grief many of us experienced as our family and friends were lost to the ravages of COVID-19. It is not my intention to minimize our profound losses, but to offer perspective on time. My heart is with all of you.

TREVANN

It seems nearly every week for the last few months I’ve heard someone lament about life since the start of the pandemic. I can’t blame them. I’ve lamented too. The last year and a half has been surreal at best and at worst, lost time. Here are the Top Three Laments.

• The COVID 15. Or as I call it the pandemic 20. There are probably a few reason for this community-wide weight gain. More people than ever were baking for the first time or honing their baking skills. We were also stress eating—this was stress unlike anything we’d experienced before.

• The vicious cycle of anxiety-produced hyper-vigilance. We worry, wash hands continually, wipe down groceries, collect sanitizer and masks, and read too many articles about the virus.

• Guilt we didn’t accomplish more. Many of us overachievers/compulsive workaholics have given serious thought to what we could achieve given a year of excess free time. And then, given the time, we didn’t do it.

• De-conditioning. Active jobs became remote and sedentary. To add insult to injury we had no access to pools, gyms, and competitive sports.

As the world reopens (for better or worse), and people begin to go more places and do more things, the weight of grief for the Lost Year and a Half is dissipating. But it isn’t good enough to forget why and how hard we grieved. We have to embrace it and find the lessons learned.

A pocket watch in the sand at sunrise. Or sunset.

For instance, reframe the noise in your head that says you didn’t accomplish anything. If you give it thought I am quite sure you’ll figure out something you accomplished. We learned to bake,didn’t we? We taught ourselves computer skills we didn’t previously have. We cooked at home moreRemember we spent a lot of intensive time with our families and closest friends. First of all, if your family and friends are anything like mine, that is an accomplishment. But we also created new memories. Learned something new about the people we love. Treated each other with extra special care. 

Many of us kept the world turning. We did our part to keep the supply chain moving—the truck drivers, the grocery store workers, the delivery folks. We taught our children. We took care of the sick and cared for the elderly. 

Our lives were boiled down to the most important people, places, and things. Nothing had been lost. We found time.